Never Give Up.......Motor Neurone Disease.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

Memories...

The time is midnight and it is time for two tired bodies to hunker down and go to sleep. Moonlight is showing through the drapes and outside I can hear the soft breeze blowing in the trees. There is the promise of a nice day when we get up. Jess, one of our cats is sleeping on top of the Duvet between us and I can hear her purring .
Jan falls quickly into a heavy sleep and I pull the bed sheet up around my shoulders. It has been a long day and I should be tired but sleep eludes me. Lying there in the dark with the warmth of the bed surrounding me and listening to the wind outside my mind starts to wander. It is like I have stepped into a whirlpool of sights and sounds, all intermingling with each other.. Jan stirs briefly and then slips back to sleep.. My mind is dredging up memories of people and places and events of long ago.
My years as a young boy growing up in a loving family of five brothers and a sister uppermost in my mind at the moment. Faces of people that maybe I should know but who have grown dim. One after the other they flash pass my eyes and I lie there, in the dark, wondering , wondering…..There is my mother, waiting for me to come outside to help her in the garden. It is summer and a time that I in particular enjoyed as we get down on our knees very early on a Saturday morning with the sun shining down and get our hands into the soil to weed the garden. Out of six boys I was the only one interested in the garden. The rest of the family still in bed. More memories flood in…I turn over on my side being careful not to disturb Jan…Family outings were enjoyed by all and a picnic lunch at a local beach always went down well. Birthdays were always remembered and in the early years of ‘Black-outs’ and food shortages because of ‘World War Two’ presents were sometimes in short demand. Clothes especially as Mum was short of money and it wasn’t unusual for us to be given ‘New’ pants made out of sacking, Even shirts were made out of what ever was on hand.
I turn my head to look at the time, 1.30am …Listening to Jan I almost feel envious … Places that I have been to are crowding into my mind. Holidays overseas doing the sightseeing bit but also happy thoughts of staying in the cottage that my father lived in as a boy in the ‘Shetland Islands’, seven wonderful weeks. More memories as a young man working in various trades. The whirlpool in my head bringing up pictures of the family covered in ‘blackberry’ juice walking from an afternoon picking berries. What a sight.. hot, dirty and with scratches from head to foot. And thousands of berries.
Oh, those were the days… I make the mistake of stretching my legs which cramp up on me…The long evening walks with Mum were also a time to look at what was going on around us. Strangely, I don’t seem to have many memories of my Father in those early years of my life. But he was one of the worlds gentlemen and I loved him dearly. If only we could film our memories. What a legacy to be able to pass onto my family.
..Jess, the cat, gets up and changes position …the time is 2.45am and my mind is still struggling, still trying to put things into perspective…Time is catching up with me and I have the memories of the three people I loved most in the world, my parents and my sister… There is the feeling of moisture in the corners of my eyes, my cheeks are wet and I realize that I have been crying. ..Jan still deep in sleep, the other love in my life…Memories of meeting my future wife, our marriage, the honeymoon and the children we had. My thoughts now turn to the present and in particular to the date of 15th December 2005. It is if I am there again in the Doctors rooms, Jan sitting there watching and wondering what he was going to say… I knew what he was going to say, I just didn’t expect to be given a time frame…You have Motor Neurone Disease and two and a half years to live. Leaving the Doctors rooms we make our way to the main door. I stagger slightly trying to hold my emotions in. Jan holding on to me. A day in my memories that I would much rather forget.
…3.15am and I feel the whirlpool in my head slowing down as sleep tries to take over…Fleeting glimpses of faces again, family and friends. We have raised a family and I can see both sons getting married. Events still rolling past my eyes. I turn over slowly, realize that my right hand has cramped up and straighten the fingers out on my chest. The wind outside has lessened and in the distance I can hear a siren. ..Time is just coming up to 4am. Dawn is a matter of hours away. Jan is stirring…I start to slip into sleep, my eyes closing with reluctance. Jan sits up and I ask if she is OK. Knowing that I am awake she says…"Would you like a cup of tea"…I never refuse a cup and ten minutes later I am sitting up in bed having a hot cup of tea. Why not, I wasn’t doing anything else…5am and we both snuggle down again and this time I go straight to sleep…
My memories have been put to one side. They will surface again, many more times. Our memories are the storehouse of our existence, without them we would be lost. If its not to late write down what you remember to make it easier for those you leave behind……

7 Comments:

  • Robert, my dear friend, I know what you mean by those wakefull nights and memories never to be forgotten which almost feel like yesterday. Hope you are still taking Quinine for those cramps!!!!

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